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Stories, Jokes

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I started out calmly, tracing my tree,

To find if I could find the makings of me.

And all that I had was Great-Grandfather's name,

Not knowing his wife or from where he came.

I chased him across a long line of states,

And came up with pages and pages of dates.

When all put together, it made me forlorn,

Proved poor Great Grandfather had never been born.

One day I was sure the truth I had found,

Determined to turn this whole thing upside down.

I looked up the record of one Uncle John,

But when I found the old man to be younger than his son.

Then when my hopes were fast growing dim,

I came across records that must have been him.

The facts I collected made me quite sad,

Dear Old Great Grandfather was never a Dad!

I think someone is pulling my leg.

I am not at all sure I wasn't hatched from an egg.

After hundreds of dollars I've spent on my tree,

I can't help but wonder if I'm really me .....

...Found on Roots-L


Home is where you hang your @.

You can't teach a new mouse old tricks.

A chat has nine lives.

Don't byte off more than you can view.

Fax is stranger than fiction.

What boots up must come down.

A user and his leisure time are soon parted.

There's no place like

The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.

A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.

Great groups from little icons grow.

Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.

CA is the root of all directories.

Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.

Don't put all your hypes in one home page.

The modem is the message.

Too many clicks spoil the browse.

The geek shall inherit the earth.

Windows will never cease.

In Gates we trust (and our tender is legal)

Virtual reality is its own reward.

Modulation in all things.

Know what to expect before you connect.

Oh, what a tangled web site we weave when first we practice.

Speed thrills.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.

(From Family Tree, Aug/Sept. '98 via LAWGS)


Genealogy is my pastime, I shall not stray.It maketh me to lie down and examine tombstones.It leadth me into still courthouses.It restoreth my Ancestral Knowledge.It leadeth me in the paths of census records and ship's passenger lists for my surnames's sake.Yea, though I walk through the shadows of research libraries and microfilm readers.I shall fear no discouragement, for a strong urge is within in me.The curiosity and motivation, they comforteth me.It demandeth preparation of storage space for the acquisition of countless documents.It anointest my head with burning midnight oil.My family group sheets runneth over.Surely, birth, marriage, and death dates shall follow me all the days of my life.And I shall dwell in the house of a family. History-seeker forever. *Author Unknown.


1. The old photo of 4 relatives, one of whom is your direct ancestor, carries the names of the other 3. 2. Copies of old newspapers have holes occurring only on last names. 3. Ink fades and paper deteriorates at a rate inversely proportional to the value of the data recorded.


You're Addicted. . .

*.....when you brake for libraries*.....if you get locked in a library overnight and you never even notice*.....when you hyperventilate at the sight of an old cemetery*.....if you'd rather browse in a cemetery than a shopping mall*.....when you think every home should have a microfilm reader*.....if you'd rather read census schedules than a good book*.....When you know every town clerk in your state by name*.....if town clerks lock the doors when they see you coming*.....when you're more interested in what happened in 1697 than 1997 *.....if you store your clothes under the bed and your closet is carefully stacked with notebooks and journals *.....if you can pinpoint Harrietsham, Hawkhurst and Kent on a map of England, but can't locate Topeka, Kansas*.....when all your correspondence begins, "Dear Cousin," *.....if you've traced every one of your ancestral lines back to Adam and Eve, have it all fully documented, and still don't want to quit.


While browsing through material in the recesses of the Roman Section of the British Museum, a researcher recently came across a tattered bit of parchment. After some effort he translated it and found it was a letter from a man called Plutonius with the title of "magister factorium" or keeper of the calendar, to one Cassius. It was dated, strangely enough, December 15th, 1 BC - about 2,000 years ago. The text of the message follows:Translated from Latin scroll dated 2 BC:

Dear Cassius: Are you still working on the Y zero K problem? This change from BC to AD is giving us a lot of headaches and we haven't much time left. I don't know how people will cope with working the wrong way around. Having been working happily downwards forever, now we have to start thinking upwards. You would think that someone would have thought of it earlier and not left it to us to sort it all out at his last minute. I spoke to Caesar the other evening. He was livid that Julius hadn't done something about it when he was sorting dout the calendar. He said he could see why Brutus turned nasty. We called in Consultus the astrologer, but he simply said that continuing downwards using minus BC won't work and as usual charged a fortune for doing nothing useful. Surely, we will not have to throw out all our hardware and start again? Macrahard will make yet another fortune out of this, I suppose. The moneylenders are paranoid of course! They have been told that all usury rates will invert and they will have to pay their clients to take out loans. It's an ill wind ... As for myself, I just can't see the sand in an hourglass flowing upwards. We have heard that there are three wise men in the East who have been working on the problem, but unfortunately they won't arrive until it's all over. I have heard that there are plans to stable all horses at midnight at the turn of the year, as there are fears that they will stop and try to run backwards, causing immense damage to chariots and possible loss of life. Some say the world will cease to exist at the moment of transition. Anyway, we are still Continuing to work on this blasted YOK problem. I will send a parchment to you if anything further develops. And if you have any ideas, please let me know.Plutonius


The words in the will were: "I bequeath to my sister-in-law Sarah Dennis four old worsted stockings which she will under my bed; to my nephew Charles McCartney, two old pair of stockings lying in the box where I keep my linen; to Lieutenant Johnson, of His Majesty's Fifth Regiment on Foot, my old pair white cotton stockings and my old scarlet greatcoat; and to Hannah Bouri, my housekeeper, in return for her long and faithfully services, my cracked earthen pitcher." Hannah in anger told the lawyers that she resigned to them her valuable share of the property and then retired. In equal rage Charles kicked down the pitcher and as it broke, a multitude of guineas burst out and rolled along the floor. This fortunate discovery induced those present to examine the stockings, which to their great joy were CRAMMED WITH MONEY!(From Nuggets of the Paradise, Paradise, California Genealogical Society & MCC-OGC Volume 20 -6 page 207)

GENEALOGY- My Family Tree

I climbed my family tree and found It wasn't worth the climb And so I scrambled down convinced It wasn't worth the time Some branches on my tree I found Were rotten to the core And all the tree was full of sap And hung with nuts galore I used to brag my family up Before I made the climb But truth compels me now to tell Of those not worth a dime I beg my friends who boast aloud Of ancestors so great To climb their family tree and learn Of those who weren't so straight I've learned what family trees are like That's why I scrambled down They're like a "tater vine" because The best are underground. Author unknown


She'S going to the top. She says she'll go to Adam and Eve Before she has to stop. If she gets a little tired And has to take a break, She might stop at the Vikings But there's no telling yet. It is, of course, her legacy To all she dearly loves. They'll sure know where they came from When she is up above.

G E N E A L O G I C A L (Normal or Not?)

1. My family coat of arms ties at the that normal?
2. My family tree is a few branches short! All help appreciated
3. My ancestors must be in a witness protection program!
4. Shake your family tree and watch the nuts fall!
5. My hobby is genealogy, I raise dust bunnies as pets.
6. How can one ancestor cause so much TROUBLE??
7. I looked into my family tree and found out I was a sap..
8. I'm not stuck, I'm ancestrally challenged
9. I'm searching for myself; Have you seen me ?
10. If only people came with pull-down menus and on-line help...
11. Isn't genealogy fun? The answer to one problem, leads to two more!
12. It's 2000... Do you know where your-Great-G. Grandparents are?
13. A family reunion is an effective form of birth control
14. A family tree can wither if nobody tends it's roots
15. A new cousin a day keeps the boredom away
16. After 30 days, unclaimed ancestors will be adopted
17. Am I the only person up my tree... sure seems like it
18. Any family tree produces some lemons, some nuts and a few bad apples
19. Ever find an ancestor HANGING from the family tree?
20. FLOOR: The place for storing your priceless genealogy records.
21. Gene-Allergy: It's a contagious disease, but I love it
22. Genealogists are time travelers
23. Genealogy is like playing hide and seek: They hide... I seek!
24. Genealogy: Tracing yourself back to better people
25. "Crazy" is a relative term in my family
26. A pack rat is hard to live with, but makes a fine ancestor
27. I want to find ALL of them! So far I only have a few thousand
28. I Should have asked them BEFORE they died!
29. I think my ancestors had several "Bad heir" days
30. I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the JUNE flower
31. Only a Genealogist regards a step backwards, as progress
32. Share your knowledge, it is a way to achieve immortality
33. Heredity: Everyone believes in it until their children act like fools!
34. It's an unusual family that hath neither a lady of the evening or a > thief.
35. Many a family tree needs pruning
36. Shh! Be very, very quiet.... I'm hunting forebears.
37. Snobs talk as if they had begotten their own ancestors!
38. That's strange: half my ancestors are WOMEN!
39. I'm not sick, I've just got fading genes
40. Genealogists live in the past lane
41. Cousins marrying cousins: Very tangled roots!
42. Cousins marrying cousins: A non-branching family tree
43. Alright! Everybody out of the gene pool!
44. Always willing to share my ignorance....
45. Documentation...The hardest part of genealogy
46. Genealogy: Chasing your own tale!
47. Genealogy...will I ever find time to mow the lawn again?
48. That's the problem with the gene pool: NO Lifeguards
49. I researched my family tree... and apparently I don't exist!
50. SO MANY ANCESTORS...........................SO LITTLE TIME


Some of the best humor were found in genealogical records! Take the following for example the following which are actual notations taken from death certificates:

* A mother died in infancy * Deceased had never been fatally sick before.
* Died suddenly, nothing serious. * Went to bed feeling well, woke up dead.
* Kicked by a horse shod on the left kidney. * Deceased died from blood poison caused by a broken ankle, which is remarkable, because the car hit him between the lamp and the radiator.

From the Marshland to Heartland newsletter of Ottawa County, originally from the Airstream Club and in MCC_OGS volume 20-2 page 159.

By Mary H. Harris As quoted in the Clermont Co. GS

10. You introduce your daughter as your descendant. 9. You've never met any of the people you send email to, even though you are related.
8. You can recite your lineage back 8 generations, but can't remember your nephew's name. 7. You have more photographs of dead people than living ones.
6. You have taken, a tape recorder and or notebook to a family reunion. 5. You have not only read the latest GEDCOM standards, you understand it.
4. The local genealogy society borrows books from you. 3. The only film you have seen in the last year was the 1880 census index.
2. More than half of your CD collection is made up of marriage records or pedigrees. 1. You elusive ancestors have been spotted in more places than ELVIS.


(The following notice was written in 1865. This may be part of the problem in finging some ancestors) OCUPSYSHUN - CENCUS TAKER I am a cencus takers for the city of Bufflow. Our city has groan very fast in resent years & now in 1865, it has become a hard & time consuming job to count all the ppephill. There are not many that con do this werk, as it is nesessarie to have an ejucashun, which a lot pursons still do not have. Anuther atribeart needed for this job is god spelling, for meny of the pephill to be counted can hardle speek inglish, let alon spel there names.From Auglaize County Genealogical Society, April/May 1998.

QUESTION: Why do genealogists die with smiles on their faces?
They know they're about to get one more date on their pedigree charts!

GENEALOGIST STEWTake 1 Curious Beginner Add 1 Age Discrepancy 1 Unreadable Microfiche 1 Census Record written in "Disappearing ink" Fold in 1 ton of correspondence and simmer While awaiting answers to queries ..... And that my friends, is enough to make any Genealogist Stew. Author Unknown

CENSUS TAKER It was the first day of census, and all through the land; The pollster was ready ...a black book in hand. He mounted his horse for a long dusty ride; His book and some quills were tucked close by his side.

A long winding ride down a road barely there; Toward the smell of fresh bread wafting, up through the air. The woman was tired, with lines on her face; And wisps of brown hair she tucked back into place.

She gave him some water they sat at the table; And she answered his questions ... the best she was able. He asked of her children... Yes, she had quite a few; The oldest was twenty, the youngest not two.

She held up a toddler with cheeks round and red; His sister, she whispered, was napping in bed. She noted each person who lived there with pride; And she felt the faint stirring of the wee one inside.

He noted the sex, the color, the age ... The marks from the quill soon filled up the page. At the number of children, she nodded her head; And saw her lips quiver for the three that were dead. The places of birth she "never forgot"; Was it Kansas? Or Utah? Or Oregon ... or not? They came from Scotland, of that she was clear; But she wasn't quite sure just how long they'd been here.

They spoke of employment, of schooling and such; They could read some ... And write some ... though really not much. When the questions were answered, his job there was done; So he mounted his horse and he rode toward the sun.

We can almost imagine his voice loud and clear; "May God bless you all for another then years." Now picture a time warp ... its' now you and me; As we search for the people on our family tree.

We squint at the census and scroll down so slow; As we search for that entry from long, long ago. Could they only imagine on that long ago day; That the entries they made would effect us this way?

If they knew, would they wonder at the yearning we feel; And the searching that makes them so increasingly real. We can hear if we listen the words they impart; Through their blood in our veins and their voice in our heart. Unknown Author

TOO SERIOUSLY You know you are taking genealogy too seriously if a magical genie appears and agrees to grant you any one wish ... And you ask that the 1890 census be restored! (From FOUR BEARS PA'S newsletter of the Shelby County, In. Genealogical Society, Vol. X No. IV, November 1999)

HUMOR CENTRAL / HUMOROUS EPITAPHS In Ribbesford, England's Cemetery: The children of Israel wanted bread And the Lord sent them manna, Old clerk Wallace wanted a wife, And the devil sent him Anna.

In a Silver City, Nevada's Cemetery: Here lays Butch, We planted him raw. He was quick on the trigger, But slow on the draw.

Lester Moore was a Wells, Fargo Co. station agent for Naco, AZ in the cowboy days of 1880's. He was buried in the Boot Hill Cemetery in Tombstone, AZ. Here lies Lester Moore Four slugs from a .44 No Les no more.

In a Georgia's Cemetery: I told you I was sick!

In a London, England's Cemetery: Here lies Ezekial Aikle Age 102 The Good Die young.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico's Cemetery: Here lies Johnny Yeast. Pardon me for not rising.(These quotes are from Oct/Nov/Dec 1999 Champaign County Genealogical. Society Newsletter and Seneca Search Winter 1999)

I'M NOT OLD - JUST MATURE Today at the drugstore, the clerk was a gent. From my purchase, this chap took off ten percent. I asked the cause of a lesser amount. And he answered, "Because of the senior discount." I went to MacDonald's for a burger and fires and there, Once again, got quite a surprise. The clerk poured some coffee is free." Understand, I'm not old, I'm merely more mature. But some things are changing, temporarily I'm sure. The newspaper print gets smaller each day. And people speak softer-Can't bear what they say. My teeth are my own (I have the receipt). And my glasses identify people I meet. Oh, I've slowed down a bit, not a lot I am sure. You see, I'm not old, I'm only mature. The gold in my hair has been bleached by the sun. You should see all the damage chlorine has done. Washing my hair had turned it all white. But don't call it gray, saying blond is just right. My car is paid for, not a nickel is owned. Yet a kid yells, "Old duffer, get off the road." My car has no scratches, not even a dent. Still, I get all that guff from a punk, who's hell bent. My friends all get older, much faster than me. They seem more wrinkled, from what I am see I've got "character lines", not wrinkles for sure. But don't call me old, just call me mature The steps in the house they're building today, Are so high that they take your breath away. And the streets are much steeper than then years ago. That should explain why my walking is so slow. But I'm keeping up on what's hip and what's new. And I think I can still dance a mean boogaloo. I'm still in the running, in this I'm secure, I'm not really old, I'm only mature. Source: Van Wert Connection, Spring 1999

EPITAPH Epitaph in a cemetery in England: Remember, man as you walk by, As you are now, so once was I As I am now, so shall you be, Remember this and follow me.

By which someone replied by writing on the tombstone:

To follow you I'll not consent,

Until I know which way you went.

(From the July 1999 Clinton County, Newsletter as quoted in The Quest, newsletter for the Florida OGS, Volume 16, No. 6, Nov/Dec 1999)


1. Proud Crested Sap Seeker - They hunt only for ancestors who were Presidents, royalty, etc.

2. Gimlet Eyed Name Collector - They look for ancestors who love "known" surnames.

3. Addlepated Roadrunner - The bird that wants to do all the research himself / herself without help.

4. Hardheaded Fact Finder - This bird is the type that methodically studies, searches, prays, and hopefully finds those missing ancestors.

As quoted from Laura Everton Wagstaff, Ancestry Trails, Trumbull County, OGS, June 1999

Information courtesy of Wanda Pohlman



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